It’s highly likely that most of you have seen these by now, but the Smoking Gun has a plethora of letters from viewers concerned about the subject matter that Prince’s performance supposedly represented (a cigar is never just a cigar, right?). Here are a few highlights:

“CBS Sports producers knew, that when the former penist named Prince brought out that guitar it wasn’t going to be good. What next are we going to have Black Sabbath biting the heads off bats or some other pornographic entertainment at the next half-time show the CBS Sports presents?” I’m curious what, exactly, a “former penist” is. Also, if biting the head off of a bat is pornographic, I’m rather afraid of what this person’s sex life entails.

“During Prince’s rendition of Purple Rain, which I think is a really great song, there seemed to be a shadow puppet of his (penis). The sheet? that was the backdrop seemed to be (stained?) with something (semen?) My children were watching and now I have to explain to them what a wet spot is on a cum covered sheet. Thanks CBS.” WOW. I’m sure that’s no exaggeration, I’m sure that’s exactly what everyone thought, and this woman wasn’t letting her imagination/obvious sexual frustration run wild. I kind of like that she put parentheses over the naughtier words, like she was whispering them.

“A cloth with him silhouetted behind it with a guitar that very much looked like an enlarged engorged penis! and him stoking it!!! and this is supposed to be better than an “accidental” tenth of a second glimpse and you miss it over her breast , but a long drawn out show of a simulated masturbation is ok??!!” The rampant misspellings and exclamation marks lead me to believe that this person was either a) very “excited” when thinking about Prince’s display of “masturbation,” or b) they were twelve and playing a prank on the FCC.

“I am very offended and would preffer not to have showed it to my 4 children who love football. One of them has hoped to be a quarterback and now he will turn gay. I am actually considering to check him for HIV. Thanks CBS for turning my son GAY.” I really, really hope this isn’t real.

And that’s just the first four. Read all of them (plus complaints about a Snickers commercial where men kissed (or something)), here.

Prince: “Purple Rain” (download)